Bless our hearts… The plight of the Southern woman…

To understand the Southern woman's experience is to recognize the high-wire act she walks every day. It's a culture deeply rooted in community and heritage, which can be an incredibly beautiful, supportive thing, but it can also be restrictive and can make us sick. The isolation can trigger severe physical and mental health issues, ranging from digestive issues to addiction to emotional exhaustion.

The research shows that 80% of autoimmune disease diagnoses happen to women, and many report a period of high emotional stress or trauma preceding their illness.

Most of us struggle way more than men to ask for what we need—in relationships, at work, with family, and in everyday life.

WHY?? I know for myself it can still be hard. I LOVE TO HELP! It’s been part of my identity for YEARS. Plus, in the past, I have asked for help only to be met with resentment-that I was asking for too much, or told I should just “be grateful” for what I have from people who confuse helping with rescuing or had ZERO boundaries.

No one wants to appear needy…asking for help is often blocked by a deep-rooted cultural emphasis on hyper-independence and feminine resilience. We are somehow caught between the historic expectation to be the self-sacrificing caregiver and the pressure to maintain a picture-perfect (Instagram worthy) life, and admitting to being overwhelmed feels synonymous with failure or weakness.

We have to do better for future generations of women…

While research shows that the tendency not to ask for what we need is widespread across all demographics, it is deeply ingrained in Southern U.S. culture. The tradition of "Southern hospitality," rigid gender roles, and the pressure to prioritize the comfort of others can make it particularly difficult for women in the South to assert their own needs.

According to Forbes Advisor, 8 out of the 10 unhealthiest states in the U.S. are concentrated in the South. Nationwide studies consistently highlight Southern and Appalachian states as having the highest rates of chronic disease, obesity, and drug-related mortality.

Working with HUNDREDS of women over the years…the stories sound the same:

“I should just be grateful for what I have.”

"It's easier to just do it myself than ask for help."

"I don't want to be a burden or needy or selfish…

"Everyone else already has enough on their plate."

"I don't want to be seen as weak."

So instead of asking, we just accommodate.

We adjust and stay quiet. We tell ourselves it REALLY isn’t that important anyway. That our needs don’t matter…

Our needs don't disappear simply because we ignore them.

What's wrong with not asking for help? Shouldn’t we just be able to handle our own lives by ourselves?

Asking for help is a sign of resourcefulness and self-awareness, not weakness, and one of the biggest consequences is emotional overload. Having a trusted group of people you can ask for help is a core component of building community.

Southern women understand emotional overload because cultural expectations, like the "Steel Magnolia" and "Superwoman" ideals, pressure us to suppress stress and absorb immense caregiving and household labor. We have been taught to “stay strong” and maintain our flawless composure.

AND GUESS WHAT???‍ ‍

That has led to severe mental fatigue, physical exhaustion, and burnout. Discussion around emotions or mental health still carries a taboo; managing this profound cognitive and emotional strain often happens in isolating silence.

When we consistently bottle up emotions instead of asking for help, our bodies get stuck in a prolonged "fight-or-flight" state. This keeps cortisol and adrenaline pumping continuously, which eventually breaks down our physical health and leads to a wide variety of chronic symptoms:

• Digestive System: Stress profoundly affects the gut, leading to symptoms like irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), bloating, stomach cramps, acid reflux, or nausea.

• Musculoskeletal System: Muscles stay tense on high alert, causing persistent lower back pain, neck stiffness, diffuse body aches, and tension headaches. Jaw clenching (TMJ) is also very common

• Cardiovascular System: Unreleased stress forces the heart to work harder, contributing to a rapid heart rate, high blood pressure, and a higher risk of heart disease.

• Immune System: Long-term elevated stress hormones suppress immune function, meaning you may get sick more frequently and recover much more slowly from illnesses.

• Nervous System: Bottled-up emotions frequently cause insomnia or disrupted sleep, chronic fatigue, dizzy spells, and shaking

• Addiction: emotional eating, the use of alcohol, gummies, social media… to suppress ANYTHING we feel

Many women over 45 have spent decades carrying the emotional and logistical load for everyone around them. They become the planner, the caregiver, the problem solver, and the person everyone relies on.

Sure-everyone LOVES you and those qualities are admirable, but constantly carrying more than your share comes at a HIGH cost.

Our nervous system was never designed to operate in a constant state of self-sacrifice.

When your needs continually go unmet, your body feels it.

Isn’t it just selfish to focus on what we want?? But does ANYONE really benefit when we ask for what we need?

Your family and friends. The VERY people you are sacrificing your health for actually benefit THE MOST when you begin to focus on your own needs. HOW?? (great question)

• Research in psychology consistently shows that individuals who clearly express their needs experience higher rates of goal attainment and overall life satisfaction.

• It eliminates the exhausting game of "guess what I’m thinking," allowing friends and partners to show up for you authentically.

• Voicing needs early prevents small annoyances from escalating into major arguments.

It affects your health WAY MORE than you know. Speaking your truth and having those needs met releases oxytocin, which promotes feelings of safety and slows your heart rate, physically benefiting the body. It protects your cardiovascular system as well as your immune system.

Every time we communicate a need, set a boundary, ask for support, or advocate for ourselves, we model what healthy self-respect looks like for our kids and our community.

When we continually suppress our needs, we unintentionally teach others to do the same (like our kids).

When we demonstrate healthy self-advocacy, we give others permission to honor themselves as well.

Your Ability to Ask for What You Need Reflects Your Perception of Your Own Self-Worth

Take a moment and consider these questions:

• When was the last time you asked for something you needed? How did it feel?

• Do you believe you are a burden, selfish, or bothering people when you ask for help?

• How does your body feel when you ask for what you need? (Do you have tension in a certain area?)

• Do YOU know what you want or need?

After neglecting our own needs for DECADES, it becomes difficult to identify or even acknowledge having needs. ESPECIALLY if it wasn’t shown to us by our own mothers.

Awareness is always STEP ONE.

Without judgment, begin noticing when you automatically say yes, automatically volunteer, automatically stay quiet, or automatically convince yourself that what you need doesn't matter.

Take a pause.

Notice how you feel in your body.

Where are you feeling tension?

Are you carrying stress in your shoulders, jaw, chest, or stomach?

What might your body be trying to tell you?

How to Reconnect With Your Needs and Cultivate the Courage to Express Them

1. Connect With Your Needs and Desires

You may have been avoiding asking for what you need or downplaying its importance to avoid having to ask.

Write down 3 things that matter to you.

Reconnect with what you want or need. (Those things that seem too BIG to ask for)

2. Create a Comprehensive List

Write down the needs, desires, and conversations you've been avoiding.

Examples might include:

• Asking for a raise at work

• Requesting more support from your partner

• Creating time to spend with friends

• Asking for more help with household responsibilities

• Clarifying the status of a relationship

• Creating more personal time for yourself

If you've been operating with a "selfless is good" mindset for years, start small and build from there.

3. Visualize the Conversation

Imagine yourself asking for what you need.

What fears come up?

Name the fears such as:

• Fear of rejection

• Fear of hearing no

• Fear of disappointing someone

• Fear of conflict

• Fear of being perceived as selfish

• Fear of appearing weak

Question those fears. Why do they scare you?

Are they true?

Or are they simply old beliefs you've carried for years?

4. Recognize How It Feels When Your Needs Go Unmet

Connect with the emotions that arise when your needs are repeatedly ignored.

Do you feel:

• Frustration?

• Anger?

• Resentment?

• Sadness?

• Loneliness?

Allow yourself to acknowledge those feelings rather than dismiss them.

They are valuable information.

5. Decide That Change Is Necessary

Consider the consequences of never expressing your needs. (Imagine you are talking to your own kids about this)

What happens if nothing changes?

What happens if you continue carrying everything alone?

What is your self-worth? Why is it important?

Are you waiting for people to magically ‘just know’ what you need?

6. Address Limiting Beliefs and Fears

People are not mind readers. No, they shouldn’t ‘just know’ what you need.

If you aren't clear about your needs, others often interpret your silence as contentment.

Asking for what you need is not selfish. (If you continue to be stuck on that—stay curious)

Learning healthy forms of communication is a necessity. It allows others the opportunity to understand you, support you, and respond.

7. Start Small

Build confidence by practicing in everyday situations.

Tell the waiter how you would like your meal prepared.

Tell your spouse what would make your day easier.

Ask your partner to watch the children while you go for a walk.

Express a preference instead of automatically saying, "I don't care."

Ask your boss for something small.

Notice how empowering it feels to express yourself.

8. Be Accepting of a No

A no does NOT mean you are unloved or unwanted.

It doesn’t mean you failed.

A no simply means the other person is not able, capable, or willing to fulfill your request at that moment.

You can still ask questions.

You can still seek understanding.

You can still advocate for yourself.

9. Be Prepared for a Yes

Sometimes receiving a yes can feel just as uncomfortable.

Many women have been conditioned to believe they should never ask for anything. Go along to get along…

When support arrives, guilt often follows.

If that happens, take a breath.

Allow yourself to receive.

Allow yourself to be supported.

Allow yourself to believe that your needs matter.

Yes. Consistency matters. It’s a DAILY Practice

I know for myself, asking for help feels very uncomfortable. I can give you a multitude of examples of when I asked for help and was mocked, told I was asking for too much, or scolded. Asking for what you need is a vital part of setting boundaries and protecting your peace. The truth is, not everyone has the capacity to support you, and that is okay. You aren't "needy" for making requests; you just need to direct them to the people who are actually capable of meeting them. Asking for what you need is a skill, and like any skill, it gets easier with practice. Each conversation strengthens your confidence.

Each request reinforces your self-worth. Each act of self-advocacy teaches your nervous system that your needs matter too AND you are better equipped to teach that to your children…

How Yoga in the Garden Can Help

One of the reasons I created Yoga in the Garden is because SO MANY women have become disconnected from themselves.

When you're constantly taking care of everyone else, it becomes difficult to hear what your body needs, what your mind needs, and what your heart needs.

Yoga in the Garden gives you an opportunity to slow down, breathe, move, reflect, and reconnect with yourself.

We start small. You'll learn foundational yoga poses.

You'll learn breathwork and why breathwork matters

You'll learn nervous system regulation.

Most importantly, you'll have space to notice what you need and begin cultivating the willingness and courage to express it.

Yoga in the Garden begins July 7th, and if you've been putting yourself at the bottom of your own list, this may be exactly where you need to start.